


Five Things Luke Hemmings Thinks About

by taylorhorliikkk (oneswhonever)



Series: Five Things [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ashton is Dead, Dark Luke, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Smut, Post-Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 13:30:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4181616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneswhonever/pseuds/taylorhorliikkk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Luke thinks about after Ashton's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things Luke Hemmings Thinks About

**Author's Note:**

> This work is the second installment of the Five Things series, but it is not completely necessary to read the first one.

i. Luke thinks that it probably wouldn't kill him if he stopped smoking. He could probably deal without it, couldn't he? Michael and Calum stopped, so why couldn't he? He knew that smoking was addictive and all, but it honestly was no addiction. He thought smoking was a way to off himself just a little bit faster. The first time he ever tried to explain that to the guys, Calum stared at him with his mouth dropped wide open, and Michael stood up and walked out the door. When he came back, no more than a minute later, Luke found himself on the ground, nursing a bloody nose. Michael was crying, but he wouldn't let Calum comfort him in spite of the lad's efforts. He simply walked out the door again, but this time, he stayed gone. Luke's conscience spat, _good riddance_. 

ii. A lot of Luke's thoughts were centered around smoking, honestly. He found himself wondering what would have happened had he never picked up the pack in the first place. He had always been warned about smoking - by his mum, his dad, his brothers, and even Ashton. Honestly, it had been nothing but preaching to the choir. As if Luke hadn't seen all the commercials and listened to all the adverts on the radio. As if he didn't see the blackened lung in health class. He knew about the risks; he wasn't as stupid as people tended to make him out to be. However, no one ever told him about the effect it could have on those you loved. No one ever told him how badly it would hurt to hear Ashton begin coughing and never stop. No one ever told him how to react when he saw blood coming out of his boyfriend's mouth. No one ever warned him that Ashton would get weak and skinny, and always whimper about how much pain he was in. No one ever said how bad it would be to see his hair falling out, see him laying in his hospital bed - see him laying in an open casket, with all life gone from his normally beautiful, radiant features. If he had known all that, if he had known the guilt that would eat him alive for essentially killing the most important person in his life, he never would have started.

iii. Having sex with Calum wasn't much like having sex with Ashton. Not at all. Ashton was a lot more submissive and a lot more willing to try new things. Everything that Ashton did revolved around Luke, and the blonde hated to admit that he missed that. Quite a bit, actually. Calum never directly refused anything, but he often asked, _Should we be doing this? What about Ashton?_ It always took a lot for Luke to not say exactly what he wanted to say - _What about Ashton? Ashton's dead_. He always stayed silent, but proceeded to pound Calum into the mattress. He never stopped, and he never showed him any mercy. He needed something to take his anger out on, and Calum was willing enough to let him do so. Luke was glad. He didn't want to have to do anything to hurt anyone else.

iv. Ever since Ashton's death, Michael and Luke weren't really talking anymore. Michael had fallen into a deathly silence, and on the rare occasion where he did speak, nothing nice came out of his mouth. He was awfully bitter, and tended to curse out anyone who spoke to him. In all honesty, Luke didn't even really want to talk to him anymore. Calum always told him he needed to be more sympathetic - that Michael had just lost his best friend, after all. This always ended up in Luke screaming at him, telling him that while MIchael lost a friend, Luke lost his _boyfriend_. It was as if neither one of them even realized how poorly Luke was taking Ashton's death. He feared that they blamed it all on him. Luke would never wish death on anyone, and certainly not on Ashton - the sunshine of his whole entire being. Still, he felt discriminating, hateful eyes on him everywhere he went. He was beginning to think that maybe he deserved the blame.

v. Luke often finds himself staring down a bottle of pills. They used to be Ashton's, and they helped him with his nausea while he was going through chemotherapy. Luke kept all of Ashton's old things - even the things that brought with them bad memories; they were memories that Luke didn't want to forget. Luke didn't know what kind of pills they were, and he didn't know if they were lethal. He considered taking them, more than a few times. Would Ashton want that for him? Probably not, but what more did Luke even have? His family, maybe, but they were miles and miles away and he didn't want to move back home. He had Calum, but his mind had a tendency of making him believe that Calum hated him. Michael - well, Michael probably _did_ hate him. Still, the thought that this is not what Ashton would want for him came back time and time again. It was enough to push the idea out of Luke's brain.

He couldn't help but wonder if it would stay that way. 


End file.
